Right about now, Willard Mitt Romney is sitting on the toilet in a suite at the Charleston Place Hotel, his ass ablaze from a merciless stream of diarhea most likely caused by the fried flounder he had enjoyed earlier that evening at Hyman’s Seafood.

Like the thousands of other gullible tourists driving into Charleston on I-26, he and his Mormon handlers were clearly fooled by the many strategically-placed billboards boasting an over 13 year-old endorsement: “VOTED #1 Seafood Restaurant in the SouthEast by Southern Living Magazine” — Pretty convincing.  Then, once you finally arrive in Charleston, and see the over-flow crowds outside the restaurant lining Meeting Street, you become convinced: “This must be the ticket.”  But as soon as you sit down for your meal and get a glance at the over-rated gruel the waitress is delivering to the table next to you, it’s like that ever-important moment of realization present in every David Mamet film: You’ve just been had in an elaborately-planned con.

As Willard’s sphincter contracts yet again, his body purging the last bit of sub-par low-country fare from his otherwise pure body, he is not only contemplating this culinary con-job to which he was just subjected but also his worst campaign week yet.  The irony of this is that Mitt Romney is very much the “Hyman’s Seafood” candidate in this GOP South Carolina primary race: an over-rated fallacy that looks good on a billboard with a MASSIVE advertising budget showing-off antiquated endorsements, something that attracts the tourists but doesn’t fool the locals.

Throughout this primary process, Newt Gingrich has consistently shown himself to be the superior debater, but, while doing so, he has done something more important: he has embodied the zeitgeist of conservative voters.  He’s unafraid to fashion a harmless spoon into a lethal shiv, and, more crucial, not only is he unabashed about using it, he’s willing to wield it with fearless glee.  Bucking the conventional wisdom of veteran political pundits, the GOP base is in an uniquely acrimonious position: they have tossed “family values” asunder and embraced the pragmatic.   The Republican base is angry, and they are starting to flock to the man who “wants to knock out Obama, not just bloody his nose.”   This begs the question: When was the last time a punter questioned a Boxer’s marital history or ethics whilst placing a bet with their bookie? — Never.  To GOP voters, this is a knife-fight with Obama, and they want someone pugnacious, who knows how to fight dirty, and is not afraid to burn the MGM Grand down after the fight if he loses.  Their man is Newt Gingrich.

The author of the NY Times’ ever reliable 538 blog, Nate Silver, has a new poll hot off the presses which shows Newt Gingrich with an 8-point lead heading into tomorrow’s South Carolina primary.

As Mitt Romney hops into the shower to clean his backside (this was not a job for mere toilet paper), he starts to think about everything that went wrong this week.  Simply put: everything.

• Monday’s Myrtle Beach Debate was indubitably Mitt Romney’s worst and arguably Gingrich’s best.   It’s not difficult to toss a mess of freshly-cut rib-eyes to a pack of hungry rottweilers, but to do so artfully and with grace takes an innate, admirable political talent.  Needless to say, South Carolina Republicans like their meat.  And, below the Mason-Dixon, it doesn’t get any meatier than lines like “Food Stamp President.”  And, the gravy doesn’t get tastier than watching a member of the “Elite Mainstream Media” get their ass handed to him when they play the race-card, even if they are from Fox News and especially if they’re black.

• Rick Perry dropped out of the race and endorsed Gingrich.  With comedian Steven Colbert polling at 5%, the embarrassment of finishing behind a mock-campaign in South Carolina was seemingly too much for the Texas Governor.   Even though his draw is minimal at this point for his comedy show masquerading as a presidential campaign, his endorsement was well-crafted and performed rather aptly by the Texan.  Also, it put a huge damper on the Marianne Gingrich hubbub.

• Marianne Gingrich and ABC News gave Newt Gingrich the biggest gift this week: she went public with a decade-old claim stating that, while married to Newt, he asked her for an open-marriage in light of his affair with his now wife, Callista.  Besides the fact that this news is simply a fresh-glaze on an already ancient shame-loaf, it couldn’t have come out a better time for Newt.   After watching the media destroy the likes of Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann, conservative voters will have no more of it.  Oh yeah, and it also gave one of the best attack-dogs in the history of American politics the opportunity to do this:

• Both SC debates showed Mitt Romney at his bourgeoise, humanoid worst.   I am, of course, referring to Willard’s wobbliness on releasing his tax-returns.  If you put a grocery store check-out scanner in an army tank along with Michael Dukakis and George Bush, Sr., then took a photo of them with a framed-poster of John Kerry wind-surfing in the background, it wouldn’t have looked quite as bad this:

All this being said, here are my South Carolina Primary predictions:

1. Newt Gingrich, 40%
2. Mitt Romney, 25%
3. Ron Paul 20%
4. Rick Santorum 13%
5. Herman Cain 2%

Lastly, if you want good seafood in Charleston, SC, go to The Wreck of Richard and Charlene.   It’s not downtown, is hard to find, few tourists know about it, the seafood’s fresh, comes on a paper plate, the atmosphere’s unpretentious, and you won’t catch Willard Mitt Romney within a square-mile radius.  As a seven-year resident of Charleston and graduate of what locals affectionately and simply refer to as “The College,” I know what I’m talking about.

It’s 8:00 pm EST, the caucus doors have just closed in Iowa, and, as I write this, The Romney Sons are most likely engaged in a severe Blow-Job Daisy-Chain in the plush comforts of a suite in some generic motel in Iowa.   The reason for their mirth?  They think they’ve gotten away with it.

“We’ve fooled those humans,” Tagg brags to his younger brother Craig right before climax, anxious to shed his human skin so the scales underneath might breathe, post-ejaculation.

Craig looks up at his brother with starry-eyes: “Dad’s gonna be president.  I can’t believe these poor creatures.”

“Keep on sucking, Craig.”   Tagg responds.

Poor creatures indeed.  Poor Iowa.  The lizards have been there for five years, plotting, planning, doing their best to convince the locals to elect their patriarch, the Inevitable Victor of Iowa, Willard Mitt Romney.

Poor Iowa…  Like the only girl in a cheap bar, she’s had money thrown at her, heard every pick-up line in the books, and will be tossed asunder in the morning.  This bizarre, aforementioned waltz is what most know as this year’s GOP Iowa Caucuses.  The guy with the most money (Mitt Romney) is rabidly competing with two sincere guys, viz. Ron Paul and Rick Santorum.   Ron Paul, not being in a fraternity,  has a slight disadvantage to both men.   Then, in the corner of the bar, you have Newt Gingrich: he sits alone, sipping a cognac, too cool for school, reading Kafka’s “Metamorphosis,” while Michele Bachmann vomits in the women’s restroom from too much Merlot.  Rick Perry is in the back-room, slugging Lone Star’s, playing “Buck-Hunter.”

That’s the scene: given that the latest polls assert 41% of caucus-goers are undecided, here are my predictions:

1.  Ron Paul

2.  Rick Santorum

3. Newt Gingrich

4. Mitt Romney

5.  Rick Perry

6.  Michele Bachmann

(Not so much…)

As I write this piece, Herman Cain is having the worst fucking date night of his life.  I must say that I empathize with the man: not his philandering mind you, or even his complete lack of understanding of the world writ large, but rather the anticipation of doom he must have been feeling, riding down I-85 toward his home of Atlanta, Georgia, thinking of his wife, his alleged 13-year mistress Ginger White, the umpteen other women who have made sexual harassment claims, and most-importantly to him, his terminal campaign.  I am reminded of Spring of 1996.  I was sixteen, and I had just been arrested for Vandalism and “Driving with Measurable Alcohol.”  The latter of the charges is not a DUI (My blood-alcohol was under the legal limit); however, in West Virginia, if you are under twenty-one, it is illegal to drive with any measurable amount of alcohol in your system.  That clarification having been made, let me get to the worst part of the whole ordeal, and it wasn’t my crying mother picking me up from the police station at four in the morning.  It was the fact that my father was in California on business and wouldn’t be back for three days.  Now, I don’t know about other families, but mine is from the Old School, which, translated, means I wasn’t above a good old fashioned ass-whipping.  That having been said, the anticipation of the Old Man’s adjudication for 72 hours was far worse than the actual sentence would ever be.  I have a feeling that’s where Herman Cain was at some point earlier today, flowers in hand, his entourage rapidly approaching his crusty destiny.  But, alas, I do not weep for Herman Cain.  The candidate for whom I weep is Willard Mitt Romney.  ”Why do I weep for Governor Romney?” You might ask.   Because, in my world, there is nothing more devastatingly depressing than a man at his most pathetic, especially when the man in question is entirely ignorant of it.

The Politcos will read this and scoff.  ”Clearly, Romney is best suited to take on Obama,” They’ll proclaim.  Indeed, every cable news pundit falls comfortably back on the Romney-mattress, in spite of the fact that he has never gotten above 30% average in National Primary Polls with the current, fully-declared field.  Granted, Romney is clearly the choice of the Republican establishment, given his solidly consistent fundraising and the mainstream media’s continued assumption of his inevitable nomination.  Also, Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey and establishment darling, throwing his weight behind Romney along with Tim Pawlenty chairing his National Election Campaign illustrates just how much the GOP brass has invested in making sure that ol’ Willard gives that fateful acceptance speech in the humid, hellish clown-show coming to Tampa, Florida in late August.  But, much to the establishment’s chagrin, as was illustrated in last year’s Senate Races in Nevada with Sharon Angle, in Delaware with Christine O’Donnell, and in Connecticut with Linda McMahon, the nuts are running the nut-house, and they will burn the house down before they compromise.

Republicans are a particularly fed-up and idealistic lot as of late.  If the pundits would get out of New York City and the D.C. Beltway, they would make this observation. Your average southern or mid-western Republican not only disapproves of President Obama, they think he is either a fool with wretched policies or, more diabolically, an instrument of a well-organized Communist plot to destroy America from within.  These folks held their nose and voted the “lesser evil” that was McCain in 2008, many of whom wouldn’t have been able to stand the stench if it wasn’t for the addition of Sara “Social Conservative Red-Meat” Palin.  Say what you will about the former half governor from Alaska, but her supporters (and many detractors, including myself) largely think her to be sincere and steadfast, qualities Senator McCain lost along with his libido years ago.  Now, Republicans are faced with Romney or “McCain 2.0 Without the War Hero Thing.”  He’s a Republican Mike Dukakis, or, more poignantly, a one-way ticket to Loserville, USA.

I’m from the South, and I talk politics with friends and family who are registered Republicans, and let me be blunt: they will vote their hearts and lose before they vote for a compromised, inept candidate.  This is not to say that they won’t vote for Romney if it was their only choice against Obama.  This is to say that they will not cast their primary vote for a mendacious, shape-shifting, trust-fund child from Massachusetts who feels and acts like he’s entitled to the nomination.

Listed below are five reasons Mitt Romney doesn’t stand a chance at winning the nomination:

1. HE’S A MORMON.

(Magical Mormon Underwear)

SIMPLY PUT: A Mormon cannot win the Fly-Over states, especially in a Republican primary.  Southern and Midwestern evangelicals, whether right or wrong, view it as a cult, will always view it as a cult, and will NEVER vote for a Mormon when there’s another warm body on the ballot that regards Jesus Christ as his or her personal Lord and Savior.  Mark it down: it won’t happen.  This is the dirty little secret that I’m surprised isn’t better polled, though Pew recently did some work on this: 54% of Republican-Leaners believe Mormons are Christian while only 35% of White Evangelicals agree.  More damning, 53% of White Evangelicals believe Mormons ARE NOT Christian.  And the cherry on top: half of Americans are ignorant about Mormonism.  Politics is a dirty business, so don’t be surprised if some third party literature about Magical Mormon Underwear, polygamy, and getting your own planet after death starts to appear in Iowa mailboxes sooner rather than later.

The suds-factor is a major plus in GOP primaries and in American politics in general.  Asides from the fact that drinking alcohol is strictly against his religion, people don’t like Mitt Romney, so why would they want to have a beer with him.  Despite Obama’s historically low approval ratings, 59% of voters still like the guy.  This is a huge advantage, and, arguably, one of the major reasons George W. Bush was able to defeat Al Gore (Supreme Court ruling aside) and later John Kerry.  People often said, “He seems like the kind of guy I’d like to have a beer with.”  Granted, people that would want to have a beer with a recovering alcoholic are either mean-spirited, enabling motherfuckers, or perhaps both, but this misses the point.  To this day, in spite of his eight-year reign of terror, I still regard George W Bush as an amicable human.  Mitt Romney: not so human, not so likeable.  With Romney currently at 20.4% in the primary polls, a recent PPP poll shows that Newt Gingrich, an egomaniac that’s had two affairs and served his wife divorce papers while in the hospital for cancer treatment, is more lovable than the humanoid from Massachusetts by 74 points.   Who let the dogs out?…

Even though she’s since recanted, I agreed with her when I saw her CPAC speech this year.

For someone who has been the “presumptive nominee” since he declared, Mitt Romney has avoided the Sunday shows and media in general like the plague.  Then, this week, he reared his perfectly-combed, dubious head to go on the hard-hitting Fox News Channel’s Special Report with Brett Baier.  Baier lobbed him reasonable softballs, and Romney appeared pompous, squirrelly, and generally hard to watch in the most Nixonian of fashions.  The video speaks for itself:

“Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice…  Not gonna get fooled again,” spoke George W. Bush.  Okay, not one of the most intellectual lines ever spoken, but it rings true in the GOP primary this year.  As previously stated, the Republican base would rather vote their hearts than their minds in 2012, even if it means losing.  They will not make the McCain mistake again.  The Right craves a bulldog, someone who will tear Obama to shreds, devour him, regurgitate the carcass, then gobble up the vomit, and look good doing it.  That man is Newt Gingrich.  Regardless of your politics, the man has proven to be the best debater in the field and would be the most formidable, articulate candidate to challenge Obama.  In spite of his serial infidelity, the $1.6 million in fees he received from Freddie Mac as a “Historian,” his sacrilegious climate-change commercial with Nancy Pelosi, and his ardent support for Ethanol subsidies, at least he speaks well.   I know this is a comment usually bestowed upon retarded children, but he looks good on TV too.  Oh, and he’s found Jesus, so all that fucked-up shit he’s done in the past: forgiven. This is why, right now, the former Governor of Massachusetts is soiling his magical underwear and why Newt Gingrich is humming “Hail to the Chief” while shaving, thinking about that inexplicable shit-show that will take over Tampa, Florida for a few days in late August. God help Florida…

REGRETTING FISH will be screening at WILLIAMSBURG INDEPENDENT  FILM FESTIVAL Friday November 18th, 2011 at 9:00 pm at INDIESCREEN.

CLICK HERE FOR TIX

REGRETTING FISH will be screening at SYRACUSE INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL Friday October 14th, 2011 at 9:45 pm at the historic PALACE THEATER.

CLICK HERE FOR TIX

The same weekend, we will also be screening locally at  ASTORIA / LIC INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL Saturday, October 15th at 3:00 pm.

CLICK HERE FOR TIX

Me and Director of Photography, Will Sargent: BOTH ROCKIN’ SHINERS!

REGRETTING FISH took home the bacon this past weekend at Williamsburg International Film Festival 2011, garnering “BEST SCREENPLAY” and “BEST FEATURE FILM” AWARDS.  Much thanks and Congratulations to the ENTIRE CAST AND CREW!

(RIGHT TO LEFT: Key Grip, MARIAH DENSOW; Actor, PENNY BITTONE; Director of Photography, WILL SARGENT, ME; and Actor, WILLIAM APPS)

The Awards!

Pleased to announce that I was a MAVERICK MOVIE AWARD Nominee for “BEST SCREENPLAY” for REGRETTING FISH along with DIrector of Photography WILL SARGENT being nominated for “BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY.”

REGRETTING FISH, had it’s world premiere OPENING NIGHT at WILLIAMSBURG INTERNATIONAL FILMS FESTIVAL on September 22nd, 2011 at 6:00 pm.

Proud to announce that my first feature “WILLIAMSBURG” was recently acquired by INDIEPIX, giving us exposure to I-Tunes, Hulu, Netflix, their own streaming service, and  further DVD exposure.

This was accomplished through street-sales of the Collector’s Edition DVD alone.  Congrats to the cast and crew! The Roll Out will be November-ish…