Right about now, Willard Mitt Romney is sitting on the toilet in a suite at the Charleston Place Hotel, his ass ablaze from a merciless stream of diarhea most likely caused by the fried flounder he had enjoyed earlier that evening at Hyman’s Seafood.
Like the thousands of other gullible tourists driving into Charleston on I-26, he and his Mormon handlers were clearly fooled by the many strategically-placed billboards boasting an over 13 year-old endorsement: “VOTED #1 Seafood Restaurant in the SouthEast by Southern Living Magazine” — Pretty convincing. Then, once you finally arrive in Charleston, and see the over-flow crowds outside the restaurant lining Meeting Street, you become convinced: “This must be the ticket.” But as soon as you sit down for your meal and get a glance at the over-rated gruel the waitress is delivering to the table next to you, it’s like that ever-important moment of realization present in every David Mamet film: You’ve just been had in an elaborately-planned con.
As Willard’s sphincter contracts yet again, his body purging the last bit of sub-par low-country fare from his otherwise pure body, he is not only contemplating this culinary con-job to which he was just subjected but also his worst campaign week yet. The irony of this is that Mitt Romney is very much the “Hyman’s Seafood” candidate in this GOP South Carolina primary race: an over-rated fallacy that looks good on a billboard with a MASSIVE advertising budget showing-off antiquated endorsements, something that attracts the tourists but doesn’t fool the locals.
Throughout this primary process, Newt Gingrich has consistently shown himself to be the superior debater, but, while doing so, he has done something more important: he has embodied the zeitgeist of conservative voters. He’s unafraid to fashion a harmless spoon into a lethal shiv, and, more crucial, not only is he unabashed about using it, he’s willing to wield it with fearless glee. Bucking the conventional wisdom of veteran political pundits, the GOP base is in an uniquely acrimonious position: they have tossed “family values” asunder and embraced the pragmatic. The Republican base is angry, and they are starting to flock to the man who “wants to knock out Obama, not just bloody his nose.” This begs the question: When was the last time a punter questioned a Boxer’s marital history or ethics whilst placing a bet with their bookie? — Never. To GOP voters, this is a knife-fight with Obama, and they want someone pugnacious, who knows how to fight dirty, and is not afraid to burn the MGM Grand down after the fight if he loses. Their man is Newt Gingrich.
The author of the NY Times’ ever reliable 538 blog, Nate Silver, has a new poll hot off the presses which shows Newt Gingrich with an 8-point lead heading into tomorrow’s South Carolina primary.
As Mitt Romney hops into the shower to clean his backside (this was not a job for mere toilet paper), he starts to think about everything that went wrong this week. Simply put: everything.
- Monday’s Myrtle Beach Debate was indubitably Mitt Romney’s worst and arguably Gingrich’s best. It’s not difficult to toss a mess of freshly-cut rib-eyes to a pack of hungry rottweilers, but to do so artfully and with grace takes an innate, admirable political talent. Needless to say, South Carolina Republicans like their meat. And, below the Mason-Dixon, it doesn’t get any meatier than lines like “Food Stamp President.” And, the gravy doesn’t get tastier than watching a member of the “Elite Mainstream Media” get their ass handed to him when they play the race-card, even if they are from Fox News and especially if they’re black.
- Rick Perry dropped out of the race and endorsed Gingrich. With comedian Steven Colbert polling at 5%, the embarrassment of finishing behind a mock-campaign in South Carolina was seemingly too much for the Texas Governor. Even though his draw is minimal at this point for his comedy show masquerading as a presidential campaign, his endorsement was well-crafted and performed rather aptly by the Texan. Also, it put a huge damper on the Marianne Gingrich hubbub.
- Marianne Gingrich and ABC News gave Newt Gingrich the biggest gift this week: she went public with a decade-old claim stating that, while married to Newt, he asked her for an open-marriage in light of his affair with his now wife, Callista. Besides the fact that this news is simply a fresh-glaze on an already ancient shame-loaf, it couldn’t have come out a better time for Newt. After watching the media destroy the likes of Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann, conservative voters will have no more of it. Oh yeah, and it also gave one of the best attack-dogs in the history of American politics the opportunity to do this:
- Both SC debates showed Mitt Romney at his bourgeoise, humanoid worst. I am, of course, referring to Willard’s wobbliness on releasing his tax-returns. If you put a grocery store check-out scanner in an army tank along with Michael Dukakis and George Bush, Sr., then took a photo of them with a framed-poster of John Kerry wind-surfing in the background, it wouldn’t have looked quite as bad this:
All this being said, here are my South Carolina Primary predictions:
- Newt Gingrich, 40%
- Mitt Romney, 25%
- Ron Paul 20%
- Rick Santorum 13%
- Herman Cain 2%
Lastly, if you want good seafood in Charleston, SC, go to The Wreck of Richard and Charlene. It’s not downtown, is hard to find, few tourists know about it, the seafood’s fresh, comes on a paper plate, the atmosphere’s unpretentious, and you won’t catch Willard Mitt Romney within a square-mile radius. As a seven-year resident of Charleston and graduate of what locals affectionately and simply refer to as “The College,” I know what I’m talking about.